A Woman’s Truth

In the back of my mind I always knew the truth and the truth was that I knew that I loved you
I met you and fell in love
Our story was never a fairytale not even close
At first I was lost and confused
I was stuck in a position where I cared for two
I wanted to love you but at the time when we laid eyes upon one and other I couldn’t
I refused too
I was hurt so many times and I felt as if my love wasn’t enough
You made me change everything about myself
That moment I knew you were perfect
God made you for me

 

Right or Wrong

Is it right or wrong
To love someone you can’t have
Is it right or wrong to depend on fate more than you depend on yourself
Is it right or wrong to lie to yourself
Lying to protect your heart from the truth
Lying to hide away from what’s really tearing you apart inside
Depending on what you feel is right for yourself in the moment

My Mother was my KILLER

Growing up I was raised by my mother. Being her child was like a task to me. I always had to be better than my two sisters. It was like a competition and I had to bet them to the punch at everything I did. My mom always told me that I was going to be that one child that becomes something in life other than my other two sisters. I had to cover up my emotions and try to mold myself into this woman that my mom wanted me to become. So in my eyes I have to be the better outlet in every situation possible.                                      

I had to make sure that everything I did so far in life would be excepted in her eyes even if that meant me not being happy. My emotions became numb and I was only satisfied if I felt I achieved up to her expectations. I never could wrap my mind around why my mother feels it’s necessary to push me into what she feels is best. What happens to what I feel is best for myself and future. I just think that she wants me to do better than what she is because even though she works in the medical field she’s still struggling financially. In some ways I can understand why she wants me to achieve at a higher level than her. She see something in me that I can’t seem to find within myself.

 I feel as if my mom wanted to live through me. This has really affected me as a person because it is like I always have to  put myself first instead of other people. I become selfish and inconsiderate when it comes down to certain situations. I want to be the best Caitlin that I can be. But it is hard when my mind is on my accomplishments and who I want to become.When I look in the mirror I can clearly see that I am not happy with myself. How can I change this emotion? Should I change my surroundings and free myself from my own mother.

30 Questions: Get To Know Me Tag

 

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Your high is my drug

Your love is my high
I get drunk every time your inside
I want you to lift me up
Slide though
Make me fall In love
You trapped me
And now I’m addicted
And I’m okay with that
Just promise me
You’ll never stop poisoning me
Tell me that I mean the world to you
Your love is my high
Baby get me drunk and high too
Listen up boy I can’t get over you
You trapped me and now I’m crazy for you
I want you to lift me up and get me high too
You made me fall in love with you

Dear Mama

Dear Mama

When I seen those tears run down your face the other night

I wanted to hurry and take you away from the bitch that say he love you

I was down and ready to run

Far away and take you somewhere that could put a smile on ya face

Dear Mama

I pray that god will open your eyes

I pray that he can release you from the world that you feel is perfect enough

You’re a goddess that deserves a throne

Dear Mama

Stop trying to cover the truth

Because the other night you got lost in reality

And the mother you were that night

I couldn’t recognize you

Dear Mama

Set yourself FREE

 

Pull the trigger

Pull the trigger

I seen my mother become less than a woman

She was weaker then life when a man came along

She felt as if a man would define love that her own children could provide

Pull the trigger

She shot her own self in the heart

Every time she lost a fight

She took the gun and failed to defend herself

Mama your own will never let me down and drown

But everyday I seen you drown deep  and deeper into boiling water

I told you to value yourself

So I can see how a real man  suppose to treat a woman

Pull the trigger no one is going to do it for you

Let go of the past because the present isn’t worth your suffering

How can you define love?

When the man you love cant define it for you?

Pull the trigger

 

This day I hated being a woman

I hated being a woman
Because women are innocent creatures
We are known as ” sensitive” and ” loving ”
I hate it
We become numb to life especially when loving someone is involved
We tend to give more than we are willing to receive
I hate that I loved you but I couldn’t help myself
I didn’t realize that I loved you as much as I did until I lost you
I hated being a woman that day
We tend to get attached to these men too easily only getting our heart broken
That was me!
Driving in that car late nights just to be with you
That was me !
crying after you hurt me
That was me!
Wishing that you never gave me your number
That was me !
Hating to see you
That was all me NOT you
That was hurting after your broke my heart into pieces